So this is going to be an annoyance, and right now I'm not sure I even have words. Seeing them together makes my heart race. This morning I woke up thinking about it for some reason, how people so easily replace one another. How I'm just as guilty. I felt sick. I guess that's the word I was looking for. I don't know this guy well but knowing the other half he'll probably be in for some fun. I also wish it wasn't so tense and weird. But whatever, I'm home now, going swimming later, and that's that. Tomorrow's salsa might bring some new sunshine so I can't be all emo'd out. I really just wish I had one best friend. That would help so much. Laura comes close but I don't think she's as open with me as with Phoebe but it is what it is. Her text offering to talk before I even knew what she was talking about really scored points, I don't think I've ever had someone do that before. The thought that she knows me and cares makes everything better.

Today I gave up the last hope I had of things with that someone. Karma is craazy. I'm basically in the same situation I put someone in just about 6 months or so ago and I definitely see the humor in that. But handing back her sweats and getting my last belonging from her house kind of closed the deal. I also promised no more random visits and I intend to keep it. We weren't meant to be. I think for the first time (yeah I'm sure no one believes this) I thought with the wrong head, and made things happen. I'm happy for that though. But I think we both know we're happier now than we were earlier on. I went on a long bike ride afterwards and found a new chill thinking place. While sitting there this couple came by and I thought maybe one day, hopefully not too far off, I'll share the things I find on my own, with someone else. As for her, she's already onto new things, but I think I need to internalize the fact that I'm meant to work on me right now. My interpersonal relationships, friendships, dental knowledge and skills, physique, health and goals of my own. I think I'm settling into some great friends, but I need to keep in mind what's really important right now, and live by those priorities.

1. Health
2. Career
3. Family
4. Friends

This sucks and I miss everything. I miss feeling happy, even though it had its downfalls. I miss being focused, which I still can be but its like fighting a battle. I miss getting random hugs while studying. I miss studying with someone. I miss the cookies and cakes. I miss feeling like everything was perfectly ok. I miss Lisa and her morning cereals. I miss seeing them in the library. I miss how everything used to feel so together and now its divided. I miss feeling excited. I miss the notes. I miss her laughing at something random. I miss the chocolates. I miss texting goodmornings and good night and knowing the thoughts meant something. I miss long hugs, never letting go. I miss the way we woke up, seeing you stretch and your eyes open. I miss your smile And that one tooth that stands out. I miss just hanging out. Movies, cooking, talking, napping, singing, dancing, fighting, the good and the bad, the phototaking, everything. This isn't helping me at all.

I want to say I don't regret anything, but I regret my behavior. I'm ever sorry I didn't handle myself how I should have and keep my own life and relationships together. But I'm here. And its what I make of it. I'm honestly not sure what to make of it. I just wish I had another chance.